Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Floating Into the Abyss

A handful of months ago I had to step away from my ideal worship leader job. I was there for over three years and I had built an amazing team and created my ideal setting of "proper" God-honoring worship music paired with the right instruments and all of that. The congregation sang robustly and I could actually hear them! What a rewarding experience that is. And I never took it for granted. 

A little over a year before I knew at some point I would have to leave. Because I read documents and evidence against a country that has authority over my church and the bishops in that country are severely compromised, I knew that I could not participate having knowledge of the heinous things going on. I could not give that country or part of the Anglican church any prestige or money. Because our church was giving them money. And I could not identify with them any longer as a worship leader representing them. After a long string of failures (and the story is long and heart breaking), it was decided that nothing was to be done, and then our pastor quit and took a better job somewhere else. I'm still bitter about that. He was the only one who had any sort of power or concern about this crazy thing, and could pull our church out from the sinful position. But he left and before he left, I was immediately (by him and others) encouraged to stick around because I was "the face of {the congregation}" and basically things would work out with this country thing. 

I decided to ask for the church to pay for counseling for me so I could sort out the issues surrounding the global issue and my pastor bolting and what decisions I needed to make. I was encouraged to ask for help from the parish council and seek it, so this counseling request seemed fitting. The catch is, I needed outside Christian counseling because the issues I had concerned my own pastor and any pastors in our circuit (because again, it had a lot to do with this African country). I was told that I needed to wait a month or more. I needed the help now. I was also encouraged to spend my own money on counseling and if I didn't have it, talk to my pastor. I told them I can't. They didn't care. So I wrote them a letter of resignation because that, apparently, was my answer. 

Before my last day, I had a temporary to possibly permanent position open up. I started working the morning of my last day, and finished up at my church in the evening since we have evening service. I went from being in charge to not being in charge and having no control whatsoever of how things are done or what songs are chosen. It hasn't been terrible...in fact, some parts are nice. But I have been at this bigger Anglican church for several months now with the end of the job coming up here since they hired a full timer (I can only do part). Not that I was offered the full time job. As I said before, I excel at what I do, and what I do for this bigger church is a lot different. I don't fit the bill because I don't do runs and I don't tell the congregation what to do, and I don't seem charismatic enough, I guess. And that's fine. No one fits in perfectly. If I were able to do how I love doing the music, it would be almost a 180. 

Anyway, I am floating right now. And I need a job. I would like a permanent position at some point so I can land somewhere instead of feeling lost. It is hard to worship the Lord this way in some sense. I feel cluttered. And I am hating this feeling....depending on someone to hire me, to find me intriguing enough to take....it's humiliating. I have the voice of a recording artist, yet it's not enough. I do my job well, but it is not enough. I know my heart for worship is right, but it is not enough. 

And then of course, the glaring fact floats to the surface: God wants me somewhere but I have to wait for it.... But I need a paycheck. 

And then I think: I'm tired. I stepped down from my good job out of obedience and went straight to another without a break. But I need a paycheck. 

Every. Single. Thing. Has. Not. Worked. Out. 

Obedience is hard. 

Do I want to go back? No. 

I don't know where I want to go. Or where to go. 

I lost most of my friends from my old church. None of them engage with me. 

So I wish I could erase all of these negative emotions from my mind, but I can't. I'm so angry with my previous pastor. For several reasons. But one of them is because I presently have no pastor. At the church where my family goes the pastor treats me a little hands-off, so I definitely don't feel comfortable. The pastor at the church I am ministering in is absolutely out of the question and absent. The other pastors do not seem interested in engaging a hired out worship leader...especially when she's gone in a few weeks. 

So I have no pastor. 

I have a few safety nets that have been removed, so to speak. 

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